Author: Ildiko Kalman-Forbes

Quarantine Humor

By: Ildiko Kalman-Forbes

May 26, 2020

“Mooooom, I can’t find any toilet paper!”
“Look under the sink.”
“That was the first place I looked.”
“In the bathroom closet?”
“Nothing there, either.”
“Ughh. I know we had some. Let me look around a bit.” Faint muffled sounds are coming into the bathroom.
“Moooom, hurry up please, I really need the toilet paper.”
“Sweety, I am looking. Give me a sec.”
Closet doors are opening and closing. Zippers on bags are skidding. Cabinet covers are banging.
“Nothing. I can’t find a single roll. I know we had some.” Judy slides another closet door and digs into some of the boxes and bags that hiding in the shadows. “Hmm. I can’t find any.” Distractedly she puts her hands on her hips and tries to think where else she can look.
“I really need some toilet paper.”
“Okay, stay where you are. I run down to the store and get some.”
“Moooooom!”
“I’ll be right back.” She grubs her keys and runs out of the door.
“I could swear we had a whole bag. Just last Friday,” she mumbles to herself as she jogs to the car. Distractedly she starts the engine and drives out of the parking lot. Finding a spot at the store is more of a challenge than she anticipated, but finally, she pulls her old Jeep into a recently vacated spot. Someone on the other side honks at her.
She hurriedly gets out of the car. The driver of the beat-up pickup truck sends her the finger gesture, but she just smiles her brightest smile and walks by unphased. The store is hopping. Lines go around the isles.
Judy walks around the crowd. Each cart is filled to the brim with paper products. Toilet paper, Kleenex, paper towel, paper napkins. She finally gets to the paper product aisles, and her eyes widen like saucers.
“Whaaaat?” She looks at all the carts that are packed with toilet paper. She turns back to the empty shelves.
“Nothing. Not even one tiny roll of toilet paper. This is not good.” She goes down the walkways. She is looking for anything that could work in a pinch. There is not a box of tissue paper, not a bag of paper towel, not even paper napkins left on any of the shelves. She turns around and runs to her car. It takes some time and some maneuvering, but finally, she is out of the store’s parking lot and on the road. She is on her way to the next store. To her horror, she finds the same empty shelves. Nothing is resembling toilet paper anywhere. She takes a big breath and tries yet another store. Nothing. Her phone rings just as she dejectedly gets in the car.
“Hello”
“Mooooom?”
“Yeah,” says Judy distractedly as she sits in the driver seat and looks out the windshield with unseeing eyes.
“Are you coming home?”
“On my way, sweety.”
“Ohh, thank god. My legs are going to sleep.”
Judy looks up abruptly.
“You are still sitting on the toilet?”
“Well, duuuuuh. Don’t have toilet paper. Remember?”
“Ohh yeah. Toilet paper…”
“Moooom? You got some toilet paper??? Right???”
“About that…”
“Mooooom?! I can’t sit here forever!”
“I know, honey. I know. I will be home in a few.” Judy hangs up the phone and worriedly stares out at the third store she just came out of.
Okay. What now… there is not a single roll of toilet paper left in the stores. At least not in the nearby ones. I could try to go and drive farther out, or I could… gosh, this is so embarrassing. I guess I could borrow some from my neighbor. The neighbor it is.
Judy straightens her spine and drives out of the store’s parking lot. During the short drive, she is rehearsing what she is going to say. She pulls into the apartment complex’s lot and straightens her nerves. She gets out of the car and walks to the next-door neighbor’s door. I can do this; I can do this; I can do this. Gosh, this is so humiliating. Please, open the floor and swallow me up. Taking a final big breath, she knocks on the door. Donald opens the door with a massive smile on his face as he gazes at Judy with curiosity.
“Hi, Judy. What’s up?”
“Oh, this is so mortifying, but could I borrow a roll of toilet paper by any chance?”
“Toilet paper?” Don looks confused, but he nods his head. “Sure. Wanna come in?”
“No. I am in a hurry,” Judy swallows visibly then forges on. “I appreciate this. It looks like the stores are all out.”
“Yeah, I heard something about that. Just a sec.” He walks away but says over his shoulder. “I’ll be right back.” There is definite merriment in his voice as he quickly walks away. In a few seconds, he steps back with a pack of four rolls.
“Take these. I bought a couple of big bags just the other day.”
There is no question about it. He is silently laughing at me.
“Thanks. I will give it back later.” She takes the rolls then realizes what she said. Her face turns bright red. “I mean… when I can buy some, I will give you some of those new rolls.”
“No worries. I have plenty.”
“Okay, thanks.” Judy turns around hurriedly, but she can hear a faint chuckle following her to her door. She hastily opens her door and disappears behind it to relative safety.
“Mooooom!” Is that you?”
“Who else would it be?”
“The toilet papers. If you, please.”
Judy goes to the bathroom and hands in the rolls.
“Thank god,” a heartfelt relief sounds in Isabell’s voice.
Judy turns into the living room, and shock runs through her body.
“I found our missing toilet paper rolls. Oliver utilized them as a scratching post. They are inadequate now.” And she burst out in laughter.